Why do many of us spend so much time worrying? Worry has become a regular pattern for many people. Some studies seem to indicate that on average people spend about an hour and a half per day worrying. So, how do we break this cycle of worry?
There is a saying that I’ve used many times and that is, “Practice makes perfect, so be careful what you practice”. It appears that some of us have become very proficient at worry.
You know the routine: No one cares about me. Do they like me? That person must be angry with me? Oh wow, I said something really stupid. Will it come back to bite me? What about my job? What if I lose my job? How am I going to pay my bills? What if the test comes back positive from the doctor? Are my kids OK? What about the state of the world?
I’m definitely not suggesting that some things are not valid reasons for concern. Certain things that we worry about could have more more serious consequences.
Before we dive into how to break this pattern, let’s take a minute to make a couple of observations about worry. I think that there are two key areas that we need to reflect on.
First – think back. If you’ve been a worrier for some time, has worrying ever solved anything. I’m not talking about taking time to logically think of how you are going to approach a challenge. I’m talking about purely worrying about a problem or “perceived” problem. Seriously, can you think of one time where worrying solved anything?
If it ever did and we could see evidence that if I just worry enough about a problem that it changed it, then maybe an argument could be made that we should worry about those things. However, worry, in general, rarely produces anything good.
And here’s a second thing to reflect on: Have the things that we’ve spent time worrying about in the past come to pass? Honestly, I think we seldom take time to reflect back and ask ourselves if the things that we’ve worried about in the past actually eventually happened.
I believe it was Mark Twain who said, “I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” That’s worth taking time to think about.
So, how do you we start to take steps to break the cycle or pattern of worry?
Step 1 – Candidly consider if there is a core reason for your worry, or something that you are avoiding, and make changes at the core if possible. This can be a hard approach or frightening for some, but for our long term peace it might be necessary.
Let me give you an example. Imagine that you are worrying about whether a certain person likes you or is offended by you. If that relationship can bare it, why not have a conversation with them? One might say, “well that’s just more cause for worry because now I have to worry about talking to them and how that will go”. But honestly, sometimes cycles of worry are due to our avoidance to grow as a person.
Step 2 – This may seem obvious, but sometimes the obvious escapes us. We have to gain control of your minds. You have the authority to decide what will and will not take up space and be active in your mind.
This isn’t necessarily burying things, which is often rooted in avoiding issues or things that we should deal with. Rather, this is you making a decision who will control your thoughts. You can’t reason with unreasonable voices in your head. So you have to gain control to determine which thoughts are reasonable, and which are not.
This leads us to Step 3 – You have to decide to be the one that will determine when and how you will process your thoughts. When you sense yourself beginning to step into a downward spiral of worry, it’s time to put a little distance between you and the worry so you can take control of your mind and thoughts.
If we are, even subconsciously, trying to “escape” worry or negative thoughts, often our tendency can be to distract ourselves with something mindless or unproductive. Let’s talk about that for a bit.
Statistics seem to point to the fact that people in our time are more stressed than those in the past. An argument could be made both ways that previous generations had just as many worries, struggled to put food on the table, had relational dynamics, and world tensions, as this generation, And, an argument could be made that there are unique concerns to the time that we are living in that didn’t exist previously. I’m not going to argue either of those points here.
One thing that I would like to talk about though–Our society today offers so many distractions. Social media, what seems like almost endless TV options, abusing certain substances, on and on. It’s not easy to be in a place where our minds and attention are not tempted to be distracted with all of this.
Yes, previous generations still had TV and substances that they could abuse, but I think that it could be said that there is a lot more of what I’ll call “noise” to distract us today.
All that being said, the unproductive distractions offers us a temporary escape. Some might say, “when your worrying, just distract yourself”. However, if we aren’t purposeful in our approach, the worry is still there when the unproductive distraction is over.
When worry kicks in, it is much better to distract yourself with something constructive and not just mindless scrolling, TV, or having one too many drinks. Something like working on a simple project (not necessarily something mind intensive), maybe a hobby, exercise, or take a walk. Why? Constructive activity does a few things:
Number one, it can stop the tendency to slip into a downward spiral because, yes it takes your mind off deliberately concentrating on your worries, but it still gives your mind the time to wander. You may think about some of your concerns a bit, but you may also focus on the neighborhood as you walk, the new routine in the gym, the tool that you’re using on the project or a hobby, and so on. Sometimes we call this clearing your mind.
The second thing that this does is it takes control, in the sense, that you will consciously determine when and how you will process these things that you worry about and not the rage that is trying to spiral your mind. Remember, you need to control when and how you will process your worry. This is much different that the mindless, unproductive escape.
Now, as you’ve interrupted the cycle, as your mind has “cleared”, at least to some degree, and you have committed to take control of your thoughts, you can attempt in this manner to sort through the worries that are pressing on you. Before jumping in to the whole mire of worries, commit to take one worry at a time. Remember, you are in control of your mind. Do your best to separate out one main topic of worry and focus on that.
Ask yourself questions such as: Is what I’m worrying about even true? Do I know that? What seems to be at the root of this or how did this start? Do I have any control over this? What can I practically do or what changes can I make for a better outcome? Is it as bad as I think it is? Could I be misinterpreting the situation? Could there be light at the end of the tunnel that I’m not seeing?
Tackle one worry at a time. This is not necessarily about fixing every problem all at once. This is about breaking the cycle of worry, gaining control of your mind, and approaching problems with a clear mind.
Life does have challenges. Sorry, that’s just a reality. Do what you realistically can. Go to someone for clarity on a relationship if need be. Don’t be paralyzed by fear. Release what you have no control over. And, don’t be in a place where a cycle of worry and negative thoughts leave you trapped.
Until next time….Be Wise!